fear…

Once again, it’s time for reflections… each time one week passes, something radical will happen and change everything. Things that I thought were good, were stable.

I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way. Maybe it’s because of what happened in the past. I know it’s not fair for me to feel this way since it’s a different person now. But still… the sudden coldness, the sudden “bo-chap-ness”, the reluctance to talk, the fake assurance that everything’s fine. It’s all so familiar. I see you having so much problems, feeling so drained out mentally, but yet there’s nothing I can do to help.

Each time I think about this, my heart skips a beat or two. Fear overwhelms me.

Right now, I just feel like drawing my knees close to my chest, bend my head down and let the tears roll. The feeling of uncertainty, the fear of being led on, the feeling of being neglected, the fear of relationships.

All these wild thoughts are taking over my rational mind. I don’t want to cope with another terrible phase in my life, and putting on a brave front, telling everyone that I’m fine. Coz I’m not. I’m feeling scared and cold, every minute of the day. I’m afraid that all these beautiful things that have happened to me for this past week, is a dream. I’m sorry if I’m not what you expect me to be.

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