nonchalence

as much as i’d hate to admit, as much as i wish it isn’t true, i find my emotions and actions so affected by him nowadays. now, this IS really bad. it means that i’m getting serious. it means that i’m exposing myself and making myself vulnerable. it means that i’m beginning to fall in love. now tell me, this is really bad right?

i mean, after all the big saga that i went thru last semester, one would think that i’d have learnt my lesson and take things slow this time round. sigh, i wonder why don’t i learn too.

just earlier, i was reading through my sms-es, and read the ones he sent to me. filled with sweet nothings and mushy content. none of these now. =( just the other day, when i walked so fast that he can’t catch up with me coz i was pissed at him regarding something, he called me “eh”. i walked faster. the more “eh”s he called, the faster i walked. am i just an “eh” to him now? whatever happened to the guy who started to call me “dear” and made me feel so queasy in my tummy? whatever happened to the one who left hall for home and sms-ed me “i miss you so much now”? instead, the roles have been reversed. uh-oh. not a good sign.

weird feelings lately. blame it on the overworked sensitivity of a woman. but hey, sometimes, it may be right y’know? weird behaviour, reluctance to talk and touch, MIA-ness, reluctance to explain and divulge. can’t blame me right? even when he’s given the chance to explain, when i’m all ears to listen, i’m faced with “aiyah, i don’t want to talk”. i just wish we would communicate. we hardly communicate. more like quarrels and bickers.

intuition tells me one thing. but the stubborn streak in me refuses to acknowledges it. shucks. i hate this kind of feeling. i wish nonchalence would return to me, let me be the person i used to be.

don’t you just wish for things to be like before?
where peng teased you for putting your leg near mine under the table, at hog’s breath?
where my head laid on your shoulders in the cab, and your hand held mine gently?
where you came close to me automatically, watching me watch my oc?
where you put your arm around my shoulders and i held you close to me?
where you allowed me to lie on your chest with you hugging me tight?
where you asked me if i was cold and offered me your jacket without me asking for it?
where you would hug me from behind when we’re sleeping?

i could go on and on, but what’s the point for doing so? you know what’s the reason for my recent moodiness, you know what to do (i believe kenny has gave you some ideas and tips), but yet… *sigh* i’m just disappointed… maybe i expected too much from you, from this whole relationship.

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