as of today…

i’m bf-less, no matter what he says.
i’m super single & very available.
i’ve got more me-time now.
i’m going to concentrate on my studies, rather than some dumbass who refuses to give assurance but yet want to be in a relationship. no such thing as relationship without assurance. not in my dictionary.

and jerald justin ko, don’t be a bloody kpo and ask me for the ‘full story’ when you see me. i’ve got no comments.

============

i didn’t cry. i felt nothing but anger. i thought i was too busy with my studies to feel any emotions at this point. but listening to one of my favourite songs, made tears roll down my cheeks.

it made me realise that six months ago, i was feeling the exact same feelings, just that it’s less painful now coz i saw the signs earlier. why do i get played out over and over again? do i look like an easy target? maybe i do. so these guys keep coming into my (peaceful) life and mess it up, only leaving when they’ve sucessfully created a tornado, leaving me to pick up the pieces and rebuild it again.

it’s funny how he can say he’s interested, but yet his actions show otherwise. do you really think that i’m super dumb?

is it fair to me that you don’t want me to compare you to my ex-bf, to other ppl’s bf, but yet you keep doing the same? that you keep comparing our relationship with your previous relationships? that you keep feeling the same insecurities when i’ve done nothing to make you feel insecure? that you keep feeling moody for no good reason, refusing to talk to me, but yet get angry with me when you made me feel moody?

why can’t you just be a man and face it? there is no relationship now. in the past weeks, i did my part as a gf, and i tried all methods to keep this relationship going. what about you? think hard, then answer if you’ve been a bf to me. i don’t want words. talk is cheap. i believe in actions. actions that you do because they’re instinctive, because you want to. not because you owe them to me, not due to obligations, not because i told you so.

first was you refused to talk to me, ignoring me in the presence of your friends. then you refused to have any physical contact with me. and now what? you come to hall, to look your friends up, don’t bother calling me at all, and to the point of refusing to come up to my room to see me?! i don’t even know when you returned home.

anyone who reads this knows him, pls direct him to here and ask him to read this.

i’m really tired of waiting. i’m moving on.

===========

i can’t study. my book’s closed, notes kept neatly in a stack.

i can’t stop crying. my eyes’ closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

================

sometimes, i amaze myself. like i’m the female version of dr jekyll and mr hyde or something. when talking to friends abt my failed relationship, i can be damn chirpy and nonchalent.

like how i talked to arthur this afternoon, before MM test. talking to arthur and jonathan, never fails to cheer me up. two of the most important men in my life. it does help when they know me for such a long time, and they can provide guidance to me. thank goodness that they’ve never liked me in a romantic way though i haboured crushes on them for years (6 for jon, 4 for art to be exact), or else our friendships wouldn’t be where they are now.

and i was talking to sho-mae outside the LT before the test. she asked so how’s the boy. told her it’s over. i can’t deal with it anymore. the whole never-ending cycle. i like routines, but not this kind of routines.

anyway, the MM test went well. it was all MCQs, so not a toughie. we were sitting in the back row, and i spotted MANY others cheating during the test. oh well… just keep my eyes closed, my mouth shut. as long as i preserve my integrity, let people do whatever they want. i hope i don’t get affected much by scaling.

we got back our results for A&P test. surprise surprise! i got 92 outta 100. i couldn’t believe it when sho-mae told me. i was like “are you serious? i think there’s a major mistake in marking my paper.” but no kidding. i did. however, due to scaling, my marks got scaled down to 85. bummer. i hate the scaling system in uni.

i’m so elated, i’m in the mood to study BE now!

=======

suddenly, i miss taffy so much. i remember, last holidays, when i was feeling really upset and down, i went out to the living room to sit down, stare into space and cry. taffy wanted to come out of her playpen so i carried her out. then she came up to me, stood on her hind legs and leaned on my legs, meaning she wants to sit on my lap. she just sat on my lap quietly, keeping me company. occasionally, looking up at me, like telling me not to cry, it’s ok.

now, i look up from my screen, i see her pictures. i look at my handphone, my wallpaper’s her picture too. i miss her badly.

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