2.23am

the past 2 hours seemed like a scene from twnese dramas. it is so god damned dramatic that i can’t believe it myself. is it really happening to me? long story short, i had a crush on one of my colleagues since i joined the company. we got close to each other when i went over to the other dept. it was exciting to have ‘secret rendezvous’, having to leave the office after one another, not wanting the others to know. but things are never simple as that. he has a girlfriend, and have already applied for a flat. so i guess, that’s it?

short story long: i first noticed him when i joined the company. he was hardly in the office, coming in probably one out of five working days. but he was someone different. there’s something about the way he speaks that got me. a simple sentence ‘everything’s everywhere, and nothing’s nowhere‘. doesn’t make much sense, but yet, it does to a certain extent. and i certainly didn’t expect someone like him to be able to say something that makes as much sense as this. yes, i’m stereotyping. he looks like an ah beng, probably still is, but there’s something different about him that makes me want to know him more. though i don’t know him well then, i was already looking forward to days where he would walk into the office in the middle of the day to settle paperwork. he makes my heart pound like crazy whenever he walks up to my cubicle and asks me for help. he makes me laugh with his witty comments.

i was scared. i didn’t want to get myself into a relationship. not after the bastard who made use of me. i paid for the bastard‘s phone bills, meals, cab fares, internet bills, room rentals. the bastard also made use of my body, if you know what i mean. till now, it still haunts me and i cannot fathom why was i so silly. on hindsight, i should have tried to know the bastard a little better before getting together. and so, i wanted to take it slow this time round. i definitely do not want to rush into things. so i kept it inside me, trying to fight the feelings back.

funnily, he says he first noticed me when we were having dinner at sushi tei (Hanging out on a Friday night) but he didn’t do anything till i sent him an e-card on 25th Mar just to let him know that he hasn’t been in office for very long and we should do lunch sometime. since then, he has been in the office almost daily. and we would go out for lunch together, starting with the rest of the guys, then slowly it was just us two. i remembered the first time we went out for lunch, we went to jurong west for lunch cos i was craving for fish soup. i took his car on purpose instead of taking car-fanatic’s car. i didn’t want another colleague to be in the car cos i wanted to be the one. then the first time the two of us went out for lunch without the others was when we went for bak chor mee at crawford. slowly, it was daily lunches, then breakfasts too. then it was coffee and surf sessions after lunch when we didn’t have appts.

during first BCM lunch, i decided to bring up the topic of the gf. to tell the truth (and i’m being EXTREMELY mean here), i was shocked to see the picture of the gf. like huh? she’s totally the opposite of what i had expected. i was disappointed. but still, i respected his choice and kept quiet.

knowing that he has a gf, i tried to distance myself. but the way he treats me, made me wonder if i ever had a chance. just a teeny bit. being skeptical since the last relationship, but yet wanting to go out of my comfort zone, i decided to just try. after all, who knows right? and you peeps know the rest of the story after that.

we had a talk earlier on. i can’t deny that i like him and there’s no way i can stop myself from caring for him. but as they say, good guys always end last. i was late and missed him. well… technically, i wasn’t late since i was there since november. he was. if only… he stopped caring for me too. if only… it was a steadfast decision to be with the gf instead of both of us. if only… he didn’t have a gf. if only… they didn’t apply for a flat.

i remember so many things, no matter how insignificant they are.

like how he asks for my mobile number because i wasn’t answering the office phone.
like how exasperated he was because i kept missing his calls on both my mobile and office landline.
like how he would ask me to call him back when i finally did manage to answer his calls.
like how frequent i had to call him back till his number was etched in my mind.
like how he was late for xmas lunch, how he rushed off after lunch, and did not wish me happy birthday.
like how he pretended to be angry with me and shooed me away when i took his seat while he was getting some food.
like how he joked that he’ll bring me out because i was bored in the office and there’s no one else around.
like how he would look into his breast pocket and tell me that my boss’s not in there (the pocket) when i asked where’s the boss.
like how he wanted me to sit closer to him at sushi tei and harry’s because he wanted to put his arm on the back of my chair.
like how he kept feeding me with food at sushi tei.
like how he chose a mocktail for me at harry’s because i don’t take alcohol.
like how he said i must be from the Himalayans mountains because i haven’t been to vivocity since it opened 2 yrs ago.
like how he teases me about being with car-fanatic because we were the only 2 in the dept who are single.
like how he teases and pokes fun at me about everything and anything, and is later scared that i get angry and asks “eh, 我这样一直讲你,你会不会生气?”
like how we always argue about silly stuff (tapas: spanish or mexican?)
like how he remembers my preference for certain foods though i have only told him once a long time ago.
like how comfortable we are in the presence of each other.
like how he brings me out for lunch, to satisfy my food cravings.
like how he mumbled ‘i wish i knew you a little bit earlier’ and thought that i didn’t hear it the first time round. i did hear it.
like how pissed i was when he got drunk and couldn’t take me out.
like how sorry he was when he knew i was pissed.
like how he woke up early and went clementi to buy me egg tarts. p/s: i don’t really like egg tarts. it was all because Jac wanted to test his sincerity.
like how i smiled to myself when i thought about him while writing the love is entry.
like how i wish time would stop when we were together.
like how worried he gets when my gastric problem acts up.
like how he offered to come drive me to the doctor when i didn’t go into office one morning because i was sick.
like how he called me from camp to help him out with some work (thou’ it was probably i was the only one left in the office to help him).
like how excited and awake he becomes when he talks music talk.
like how he begrudgingly took a small piece of the cod fish at Hanabi. he absolutely hates cooked fish due to a bad experience with bones when he was younger.
like how i do a little jiggle dance inside my mind when i learn something more about him.
like how he respects me and my privacy (when i didn’t want to let him know i blog)
like how he still gives me butterflies.
like how he drinks ginger tea all the time
like how much we both are rice lovers. betcha didn’t know that i love rice too eh?
like how nice he smells.

where am i going from here now? i don’t know. i’ll just take things as they come. i won’t think too much about what i should do, or should not do, because i know i’ll end up doing the opposite. the tears have come and gone. i’m going to be a brave big girl now and learn to live life as it is. if it’s meant to be, it is. if it’s not, i wish him all the best from the bottom of my heart. he has taught me so many things – to trust a person again, to have butterflies again, to laugh like i’ve never laughed before, to lead a carefree life because he’ll be there to help me out when i stumble and fall.

thank you. =)

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2 thoughts on “2.23am

  1. Reading what you wrote just brought out this wave of emotions in me, which I would like to share with you. Bear in mind, there’s no judgment here. Because I was exactly in your shoes once, three years ago.

    I fell for a colleague. That’s bad news enough because you should never mix business with pleasure. He was funny, he was kind, he was attentive, he was many good things in a man which I’ve never known in my past relationship. He also had a girlfriend.

    That should be ringing very loud bells to me. But I totally ignored them. He told me that the fire’s gone out of that relationship, and that he’s THINKING of leaving the girlfriend. Not that he’s leaving her, just thinking of leaving her. Thus all this “secret rendezvous” business started.

    Big bombshell dropped. In the midst of what I thought was a great relationship, he announced to me one day that he’s not going to be leaving her; they’re actually getting married. That flung me into a severely depressed time. Time would have healed me, if not right after he got married, he came crawling back to me, telling me it was a huge mistake.

    Long story short, he has a child now, and I’m happy for him. He wasn’t happy that I too got married, but I no longer feel sorry nor angry at him.

    I’m not writing this to judge you nor to tell you anything I’m sure your girlfriends would have already told you. Just to let you know, you weren’t alone, and that this too, shall pass 🙂

    Like

  2. p.sawyer says:

    *hugs and thanks Tine for sharing own experience*

    I guess… what I’m waiting for right now is the bombshell. But till then, I don’t want to miss any opportunities and will just take it as it is now. I’ve given up and missed out on so much because I was afraid, because I was scared of this, of that. It’s so wrong and selfish of me to do this to the innocent gf who knows nothing and did nothing wrong. But… what if he’s the one? =/

    Like

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