it’s never going to end, is it?

i don’t know, girls. i’m really confused right now, and i don’t know if i will have the courage to do what i’m supposed to do. and jac, i know you love me so much and that’s why you wrote the blog entry for me. thank you.

every day, i try to be positive and count my blessings that i know him for a little while. every day, i let him know how appreciative i am of him. every day, i try to do a little something to make him feel happy and smile for me. every day, i let him know that i like him so much, and probably think this is the last time i’m going to be irrational, follow my heart and let go of all restrictions holding me back. every day, i feel that i’m in bliss only for my working hours.

every day, i get disappointed. but nothing ever like this.

you made me think that we had a chance, and that you have finally made up your mind to choose me when you said ‘i will call you once everything is over’. you said you cannot sit on the problem no more.

you called, but nothing is solved. it is STILL not over. in fact, it is worse than before. she now thinks that i’m out. but you want me in. i want in too. but is this the way things should be done? you said before that the flat was not a problem. other issues were getting in the way, and i totally understand those. and now, you’re saying the flat is a problem again. so what is what? is the flat a problem or not? if you like me enough to want to be with me EXCLUSIVELY, it should be a clear cut choice. how much is the deposit? the registration fee? am i worth less than $50?!

the problem is YOU. you cannot make up your fucking mind and you are messing with mine too. just tell me that you don’t like me anymore and i’ll scram faster than a WRX. at least i know what to do, and how to do it. dont leave me hanging there like a yo-yo because it sucks. don’t say you don’t know if you’re happy with her or not. what kind of an answer is that?! it’s either you’re happy with her or you’re not. PERIOD. what do you feel for her, and what do you feel for me?

just because she’s using the emotional blackmail tactic, you gave in. how about i do the same?! just because i’m stronger than her and won’t resort to such underhand means, i lose. you once said, what happened to true love? my answer to you now: it’s dead.

i cannot behave like yesterday had never happened. i cannot behave that she’s not in the picture anymore. i am very sticky. you know that. are you able to handle the 2 of us at the same time? i doubt so. you are already on the verge of breaking down.

stop saying sorry because i’m sick and tired of hearing it. you know i don’t want to hear sorry anymore. it doesn’t mean anything to me now that you’ve said it like a million times.

you know what i want? i want you to make up your mind by today, 9 may 2008, 2359. it should not be that difficult a decision to know who you really want to be with, and am happy with.

don’t tell me ‘pls don’t avoid me’, ‘pls don’t be pissed with me’, ‘i’m sorry’ anymore. you had better make up your mind or i’m leaving. period. don’t even think about talking to me ever again if you are still undecided. you are confused, you don’t know what to do. are you scared that if you take the risk and break up with her, you won’t have a future with me? if so, let me tell you, you’ll never have a future with me if you don’t take the risk. who knows what will happen in the future? i am telling you now that i am willing to take the risk with you despite me being hurt by you so many freaking times. if you don’t think you’re able to handle me, then let me know. i’ll carry on with my own life without you. simple as that. life will be difficult without you initially, but i think i can overcome it. the only thing holding me back is the fact that i know you want me too.

how many times do you want to break my heart? do you enjoy seeing me getting hurt, then trying to be brave in front of you, pretending that everything’s fine when everything is not?

i know i’m harsh. i know i’m blunt in my words and they hurt you. but at least i know what i want, and i need your help to achieve it. i cannot do it alone. maybe you should be in my position for once and know how it feels like. welcome to my world.


One thought on “it’s never going to end, is it?

  1. @nn says:

    I think you know what to do now… be strong. This LOUSE doesn’t deserve this many chances! He’s obviously stringing you along, as with the other person — and wants his cake and eat it too! Don’t let him get away with it.

    I’m thinking… even if he makes a favourable decision tonite, do you REALLY still want him? He’s not worth it!


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