what is happening to me?

i can’t believe i’m actually suggesting to be the underground one if he’s ok with it because i am ok with it. i don’t care if the gf finds out and sinks into depression or not. all the better if she does. i don’t feel guilty for even suggesting. i’m not the one who is attached. he is. i’m just out to play now. jac says that i’ll get myself into even deeper shit than now. i don’t know. i just feel like doing so. but whether to continue our underground relationship or not, still depends on him. the ball’s in his court. if he cannot afford the time and mental effort for me, then let’s go separate ways. if he’s up for it, think he can handle 2 (sticky and paranoid) girls at the same time, i’m actually ok with being the mistress. just hope that he remembers to cover his tracks. that’s all. the underground arrangement has worked out well for us for the past 2 months, just that he led me on and made me think that we could go above the line. now i know where my position is, i’m not habouring hopes anymore. just enjoying every moment as they come.

i still care for him like make sure he’s feeling ok and eating his meals, trying to keep him happy and stuff. but at the same time, i don’t really care what happens on the other end of him. like, total nonchalence. he can be burnt out with pancake’s tight watch or pancake’s paranoia or depression or lack of sleep. whatever. i don’t give a damn about pancake anymore.

he even said that if i needed to talk to him, just send him an sms with our code ‘account review’. if he replies, means he’s free to talk. if he doesn’t, means the gf’s with him, not giving him any breather. surprisingly he can still go drink with his buddies tho gf’s not happy with it (being super paranoid A-fucking-gain). maybe i’ll go join them for drinks too. just to spite her. i hope she dies of a heart attack when she realises that. haha. i hope that pancake is suffocating him too much to the point whereby he would erupt and fuck that relationship. pancake’s really going crazy. like checking all his online accounts: friendster, emails, msn etc. and calling him all the freaking time in office. SIAO CHA BOR. as if she can control him all the time… like hello? we’re colleagues. i can see him mon-fri, 8-5pm lor. we can have rendezvous from above stated time period and you wouldn’t have a single idea about it.

i really don’t know what he sees in that fucking pancake. and i really don’t know what i see in him too. that’s why people say love is blind. i think i’m blind. seriously. fuck him for being so silly as to give gf the password to his friendster/email/msn. fuck the gf for checking up on him and finding out about the emails. things would be fine if not for her finding out our secret relationship. we’d still be having loads of fun, instead of me writing such angsty stuff now.

is it because i still like him loads, or is it out of revengefulness? i have a dreaded feeling that he’s going to call the whole thing off cos pancake’s current state of mind is squeezing him dry already. fuck pancake to death, i swear.

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