think & thoughts

tuesday:
i really don’t know what you want me to do. yesterday i asked you what do you plan to do, if you want to continue or not cos the ball is in your court. you said to talk about it today. fine. come today, we still didn’t talk and you’re leaving in a few hours’ time. during the meeting, you hope to see me the same when you come back. you said things will be back. you said to trust you. you said please. you said to take the time off to think. think about what? i asked you again in the evening but you didn’t specify. all you said in your sms is to just wait till you’re back and to think about it.

my dear darling, i can think about us and the current situation, think about how happy we were together and can be in the future, think about us being together exclusively, think about us still cheating on your gf. think about what? i can think all my time away , 24/7. but nothing will ever work out if you come back and tell me “i will not leave my gf for you”. so what’s the point of me thinking? will you leave your gf for me? if the answer is an absolute no, there’s no point in me thinking about what to do. every single effort of mine will be futile. if you say “yes, i will”, then let me know what are the commitments you’ve made to her. let me weigh the pros and cons to evaluate if it’s worth me waiting or not. how do you expect me to give you an answer when you still want to hide things from me? i AM willing to wait, but i must know the final outcome and by when. i can’t keep waiting in vain, can i? i can be the underground one, but not forever. i doubt i can even last one week, seeing how gf watches over you now.

are you still falling deeper? or have you woken up from the dream and realise that you should stop? we have not had a proper conversation since last thursday where you left abruptly, only to break my heart in the middle of the night. do you still care and fuss over me because you still have feelings for me, or because you feel guilty and am trying to make it up to me?

we hardly talk now. i’m really afraid. afraid that by the time you come back, you and gf would have grown closer and solved all problems and whatever i’ve done will be thrown out of the window. afraid that by the time you come back, you have decided that you cannot do without her. afraid that you realise that you don’t like me all that much after one week apart. one week is very long to wait for your answer.

i think about all the negative endings and my heart aches, my veins constrict, my lips quiver and tears well up in my eyes. i miss you, your smell, your voice and your touch already. 😦

i msged you that cos i really feel that way. did you reply or was that gf? did i just fuck things up further? i’m afraid this is the end.


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